There.
I have fond memories of holding 3 day old Tristan opening his tiny eyes and looking at me leaving me speechless. I used to look at him and whisper "Quando mi guardi cosi' m'innamoro", when u look at me so I fall in love. And I did, every time he looked at me for weeks I would get a pinch in my stomach, a physiological , irrational, potent urge to love. My love for him was so new and disarming that I felt lost and could just simply cry to release the fullness of that feeling.
Libero came like a cannon ball, 3 hours in the hospital and he was born, in my arms, his squirmy naked body ready to claim another piece of my heart. I thanked him for the fast and furious entry into my world and overwhelmed by the release of hormones I was head over hills again. We brought him home and we adjusted back into our lives with the added responsibility and the subtracted rest... and I just wasn't devastated by love as I had previously been. I loved him, don't get me wrong but... I loved him matter-of-fact loved him. One day he looked me straight in the eyes and I did not feel the urge to speak the words his brother had heard so many times before. I simply returned the look, searching in his dark grey eyes for that irrational fondness I had felt 2 years prior.
The weeks went by, surviving the sleep deprivation was my first goal. Searching for that love was my second goal... No matter how hard I tried I did not find it.
Then Libero started smiling at us, started holding my finger while nursing and cooing and completing those adorable new born milestones. My heart grew, little by little, my heart grew of love for him too. This is often the other parent... when baby is all mamma mamma the other partner often connects when there is something in it for them, a smile, a coo..
It's complicated. To love him as I did the first time he would have had to be my first time holding a baby that came from my body, the first time realizing that I could create someone so perfect and so alive, the first time comprehending the foreverness that came with my baby... AND I would have had to not know what it was like to love so powerfully that you would in a heartbeat give your life to save theirs.
When I was expecting Libero I often wondered how I could possibly love anyone like I love Tristan and everyone told me "Your heart grows". To someone wondering that same question today I would say "maybe you won't, not right away. Maybe you will love differently because you will be different and that is OK".
I am more capable and confident in your role as a mother, I know I can hold that much love and then some! A combination of my own growth since my first baby was born and the lack of novelty of holding your new baby made it so that I felt a different love that could at first be mistaken for less love but it was simply different.
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