No longer just a daughter

I remember that sense of inadequacy when my son was born. I thought I would just instinctively know how to be a mother, predict his needs, sooth him with the sound of my voice, be capable of using my breasts, arms and legs to do exactly what he needed me to do. The first 3 weeks were nothing like that.

My mother came to the rescue, she helped us bond and know one another, she seamed to be the only one in our new little family who knew how to calm him down from his daily colic events. She did this with absolute grace and grandmotherly love, with respect for the three of us and softness and compassion.

But as I watched my mother helped us I felt a loaded mix of love and envy.
Love, for this woman who had once held me like she was now holding my baby. This was no longer the woman I had numerous fights with as a rebelling teen, the woman who I felt resented my decision to move away at 18 and get married at 24, the woman who I had such a hard time connecting with on a intimate level (until then). This was a mother... and I was the baby she birthed and nursed and soothed.
Envy, because I could not do what she was doing, because I was still just a daughter .. because I was afraid of not doing the right thing with my son, and had to look up to her for help though I thought I would have just known by now exactly what to do.

I had to grow from just being a daughter to being a mother.

My mother left when my son was 3 weeks old and I was a mess! I felt as I could simply not master the abilities to be a mother without her help.
But a truly magical thing happened.The first 3 weeks are the hardest for the body, for the baby, for the whole adjustment of night and day routine to sink in. But a combination of time passing and us being the three of us alone for the first time...  I began to trust my instinct, I began to make decisions with my husband as a family, I began to believe in myself. My son and I now had it together!

We were where we needed to be: home.

Today, 22 months later, I smile back at those days. In some ways I am still a daughter but no more than I am a mother. I rarely go to my mother for help with my son, instead I go to my husband then my mommy friends, then the internet, FB... I wonder why that is... might it be because in making choices for my family I want to feel like a mother first and foremost and not like a daughter?!

As she is planning her visit for baby bean on the way I wonder how different this time around will be. Now, not only I can sure change new born diapers with one hand, on the side walk and while talking on the phone, but I have no insecurities about my role as a mother though I need to still work on my role as a daughter

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