I yelled at my kid

Since this blog is my confession board, a place for accountability, I need to share how it felt to do the wrong thing.

It had been a long day and I had been feeling contractions, though only 32 weeks pregnant, all day. I get a call that I have to go pick up daddy at work and I try to hurry my son out the door (this is always a good time for him to slow down), then as I get him in the car seat he starts going noodle on me and butt heads me straight in the stomach. I hold on tight, squat on the floor and let out a big loud gibberish yell directed at him! For a split second I wanted him to hear how upset and exhausted I was. I wanted him to feel bad for what he did.

Immediately I felt ashamed. I asked him sorry many times, I turned to my normal, caring, gentle self and kissed his face asking for forgiveness. He was sobbing and visibly scared, he feared this mama who all at once went from 0 to 100. I felt more ashamed.

I think a lot about this incident, about why I had the urge to show him how I felt and make him feel bad for what he was doing though he had NO purpose in hurting me.
I think about the way little kids manifest their emotions, sobbing, yelling, thrashing on the floor, going boneless, throwing stuff, isolating themselves, etc. They have no choice but to be overrun by those strong feelings and let them take over their bodies, manifesting as they will.

Sometimes we are no different.

Tantrums are just a way of making a request that the parent isn't hearing or doesn't want to hear. I felt like I was throwing MY tantrum, I wanted him to hear it and stop fighting me, get in car seat and be OK with it. Because I had a "legitimate" request I felt as if it was OK to ask him to comply. But what is going on in a kid's mind when they too feel as they are making "legitimate" requests and they are being ignored or denied?

This incident brought me closer to him, and gave me more clarity on the type of model I want to provide for him, knowing that I will too lose it sometimes.

I hope this taught him the "right" lesson. It's OK sometimes to lose control and to feel remorse when we hurt others in the process.

I can see him sometimes hitting or pushing other children when they are holding on to a toy he wants or when they are simply in his way. He is asserting his independence, his presence. I try to bring him close to me and I ask him to show me what a gentle touch looks like, he soon caresses my face and tries to do the same with the child he has hurt.

I don't know if this is the right way of handiling this but it sure helps to be reminded of how many times I am unable to go to straight to gentle touch when my sense of self, independence or safety is being harassed.