on forgiveness

I took a long bath tonight, I lit a candle, turn off the lights, I let my belly be almost fully immerse under soapy warm water, I threw my head back and just let the music of an old fashion italian singer songwriter fill the room.
I took a step back in time, for brief moments I was in different places I had been as a young woman. I have always loved taking a bath as a dramatic declaration of my femininity and my supposed ability to stew with my feelings. I am not sure if it was ever a sincere act or that it brought me to a deeper sense of self... but it sure made me look like it did. If anyone could just have seen me holding my Kundera book in the tub.. they would recognized how profound I was in that moment.

I was in Italy my parents' house, on a high school night wishing to be older and far away. (which surely ended up happening). I was in London, in my little apartment with a vast sense of independence spotted by some home-sickness that just gave my experience that more substance. And then I was in Kentucky, only a few weeks from delivering my son, thinking of that as a wonderful time to connect with my body, take a break... and painfully realizing that I was way bigger then the shallow tub and in the end unable to come out of it gracefully.

This collection of bath tub moments made me laugh tonight, how futile and trivial everything looks years later. How do we hold true those moments when after a while they seam to have resolved themselves?

 But then I thought about my child, my sweet 20 month old who has so many emotions and so many ways of manifesting them though his language skills are still raw. He is in the moment and nothing matters more then his emotional response to any random event. Knowing that this moment will pass and he will work through his frustration/anger/sadness can trick me into brushing them off, teach him to "get over it", while instead I am learning to stay in the moment, stew with his emotions, let them unravel.

My baby's first public full blown tantrum was terrifying, surely more to him than to me.. but as I looked for help later that day my wise aunt-in law reminded me that it is quite remarkable that children hold and show so many emotions and that you end up missing that little person who could just express so much of what he felt. My heart melted. Looking at a tantrum in this light made all the difference.

So while even tantrums, as hard and at times embarrassing as they might be, are a collection of moments that pass and become futile and trivial times in your and your child's life, how comfortable we are stewing with those moments is going to make a difference.