I TAKE IT BACK, 1 thing I want to say, or model, to my children

My latest post "10 things I don't want to ever say to my children" has been haunting me. That was not me. I believe every single word I wrote and .. I did it mostly to hold myself accountable. BUT, I have been feeling as if I was putting my newly experienced parenting techniques on a pedestal, above the crowed of parents who sure love their kids and work so hard everyday to be the best parents they can be. I do not want to give in the mommy war, the competition-filled and judgment-fueled way sometimes moms speak about themselves. I am here to take it back.

The first thing I should never say to my children is "Tell others how to be better people according to your values and principles". And "certainly, honey, make them a list!"
Instead, what I should do is model understanding for wherever someone is at in their unique relationship with their equally unique child. I should model humility for there is so much in families we don't understand, even in our very own. I should help them think about what are some of the reasons that mommy yelled NO! to her kid and that, although I may feel as that was harsh or unnecessary, we really do not know her story.  I should model empathy but also silence.

I want my children to treat themselves and others with kindness and respect, and I need to be the one doing it first. But not just to them! to everyone.

I am learning my lessons everyday. Today as we were having brunch, watching our son play in the play area 2 feet from our table, and enjoying our morning coffee. My husband noticed our son taking a toy out of child's hand. With firm voice my husband said to our son "Hey! Give it back! that child was still playing with it!". I lectured my husband on how, if he wanted to have an impact he should have gotten up and gone closer to our son and gently explained what he saw, let him let go of the toy gracefully (of his own will if possible) while focusing also on how the other child was feeling about the situation. I told him that he was acting out of convenience and he was "yelling and controlling" instead of "talking with and connecting".
What was I doing in all this??! sort of yelling and definitely controlling! In fact my husband, who agreed with me on principle, also added "You should think of that when you yell at me for leaving the toilette seat up".

Touche'!

So, as I reflect back on this, I realize that I owe my husband and apology. I also owe it to any parent who felt as I was preaching. Because, in truth, I kind of was. I preach to myself as much as I do, inadvertently, to others.

There is a fine balance we walk when we become passionate about something. While I believe that every child would be better off if they were treated with respect and empathy- love and logic instead of being yelled at, ordered around or worse, punished- that is not the whole picture. The fine line is that we may connect to our child while disconnecting to everyone else who is just simply having a rough day, a long month pulling double shifts, single parenting, having a child with a uniquely strong will, or feeling pressured by the environment they are in to say what they believe other expects of them.

I will very likely roll my eyes at some things I hear at the grocery store and continue to be annoyed by the toilet sit being up. But I should always try to act and re-act as if my 20 month old was watching me closely to learn just how things are do be done. And I am sure I will have to apologize many times to him and explain how fallible we all are.

Truly yours,
Silvia

10 things I don't want to ever say to my children

With a title like this I might be setting myself up for failure. Like any parent I need accountability and to acknowledge that I am not infallible but I try to be the best I can.

Parenting in public... I am glad I can just do it in Italian so people can go on and assume I am "managing" my child and I am telling him to "knock it off" if that pleases them. Meanwhile I am determined to not go there, not now that he is a little explorer not ever if we are building the relationship we want to have with one another.

I have started keeping my own actions and reactions in check. At lunch my little guy, 20 month old, is not sitting still, has interest in food but them wants to get off the high chair and check out the rest of the restaurant. I let him. I end up doing a combination of watching him from a safe distance and following him around, (and yes, guiding him out of the kitchen). He is happy. I am working harder then if I were just to sit and have my sandwich but this way I am happier too. Because instead of asserting control I am letting go of it where it's not needed.

 Now lots of people would say that I am letting my child run the show, so what? isn't he anyway? and worse, that this sets a precedent for unacceptable behavior... I couldn't disagree more! There will be times in which sitting down will be required and it will be frustrating for both of us, but letting him run around now only sets the precedent for trust. Trust that your parent is listening to your concerns and is willing to be flexible and work with you.

So here is a list of mis-conceptions I gathered from the way I was parented and witness others being parented:

1. "Say you are SORRY!/ PLEASE/ THANK YOU!" Asking a child to say Sorry and Thank You will not make them feel the sorrow (and want to get closer to the person effected by their behavior) or be thankful. It will just tell them how to quickly get out of the discomfort or get what they need.
2."No!" this is hardly ever as necessary as we think it is. Pause, do you really need to say no? What happen if you say yes? How many NOs we give for our convenience and or fear? How many do we give to truly protect the child? Meanwhile we are eroding the fun and trust between us.
3. Parents cannot be friends with their children. My mother actually set me down and said this to me when I was a kid. I agree, we are not just friends to them, but what the child is hearing is that we cannot be fun and mindless and silly, ever. 
4. Eat everything on your plate. my gawd... kids know how much is too much if we only listened to them.
5. "You can't!"- chances are.. technically they can! now, should they? or are there better ways to accomplish the same goal?... that is more of the question.
6. "We don't do this/that!"- who is WE? and have I, the parent, ever done that? (be jealous, made a mess, refuse to eat, scream, be board, etc?) chances are WE have done this/that or may be doing it as we speak (ever heard a parent raise their voice and say "We don't yell!", ironic, uh?)
7. "I am so proud of you when you/for ....."- how about I am so proud of YOU. period. sometimes that is ALL a child needs to hear and it will motivate them beyond measure, because we just deleted the line that defines their success, temporary or not.
8. "This hurts me more then it hurts you"- we don't know that! to project our feelings is to dis-empower them and to trap them into our own emotional spiral.
9. "I am saying this because I love you"- mostly related to when a parent is realizing how unfair something might seem to a child. Connecting love to a behavior or an outcome is never a good choice. Try just "I love you".
10. "Knock it off!" (or in my dialect "Abbozzala")-  knock off saying knock it off! Would you ever talk this way to any adult who is persisting in something you may find annoying? Chances are you would find a more diplomatic way of explaining how a certain action made you feel and find a solution together or by your self.

All of this takes time! I have intentionally slowed down most of our activities. Strolling to Yoga class usually takes us 20min? Well we now leave 40 minutes earlier, because when he is tired of sitting in the stroller now we have the time to do something different and stretch our legs. Getting in the car seat is sometimes a drama? Well now we leave plenty of room for negotiating what we can do before getting in the car seat, might just be as simple as playing with a toy for 5 more minutes.
And what when we don't have this luxury of time? Well, after having tried this for several days I realized that our relationship has gotten stronger and happier and that in times when we need to "speed things up a bit" my son follows along with more partnership. Our trust level for one another has gone way up. And I am loving every second of it, finding that in times of struggle we are both more resourceful!

Easy for me to say.. for once I am home with my son 24/7 AND so far I only have one child. But again, isn't it more important to try to always hold ourselves accountable and aspire to highest goals? So again, when it's no longer "easy" for me I know I have a bag of tools, and my child does to.

continue as lovers

At the end of my OB visits I always receive a spreadsheet with Dos and Don'ts about my stage in pregnancy. This may include suggestions on how to handle nausea or what to avoid eating, etc. This time it included a word of wisdom "Continue as Lovers". This, you might have guessed, is a reassurance that sex is OK during pregnancy. I love things like this on otherwise dry medical paperwork. It spikes things up a little!

Continue as lovers.. there is so much in this sentence.

I believe my husband and I are great at parenting together. We are totally on board with most of what we do with our son Tristan, we respect each others style and trust that we are doing the best we can while still guiding one another through the bumps of child rearing. Most of the times, that is.

When  Tristan was born we had to learn quickly that forgiving each other was a to-go-to tool when we acted or better re-acted in ways less then desirable. The exhaustion, the responsibility overload  and the new division of labor just made us miserable people sometimes. We had to forgive the off-handed comments, the envy that we felt for each others day routine (I envied him leaving the house while my son and I were both crying tired and messy, he envied me for being at home with our newborn catching every single minute of his amazing self). We also had to forgive each other for wanting or refusing to want intimacy. But ultimately we had to continue as lovers.

A child is born and your whole identity changes. You are no longer your mother's daughter, you are a daughter who is a mother herself. You can now dispute her authority, do things the way you feel they should be done (stuff for another post, I am sure!). You are also no longer just partners,... you are parents. There is no preparing for this, there is no warming up to it... it just IS.
In the beginning intimacy looks more like cuddling on the big bed with your 2 week old fascinated by his own fingers and having a night out becomes a breastfeeding interval race out the door. I remember our first dinner out. As I set down at the retaurant I scanned the room for babies wanting to see someone I could relate to. I also remember feeling ignored when the waiter, how dare, asked me if I wanted to order instead of asking to see a picture of our little guy. Going to the movies became the best "night-out" because it meant NO talking about our precious child! Unless of course the movie had a baby, a parent, a grandparent, a pregnant person or animal in it.. then you just gently squeeze your partner's hand knowing that he is thinking what you are thinking.

Continue as lovers.

As the months go by you simultaneously become more of a parent and less of just-a-parent. You regain partnership again! This feels good!  Maybe you went back to work, maybe you simply got better at being home (AND your child is sleeping through the night), but hopefully you got better at being individuals in your new role. Maybe you also got passed the bumps together and can now enjoy (in between new bumps, of course) being lovers, not as you used to- forget those young crazy kids- but as you are now, with a breast half full, with stretchmarks, with capable loving arms and hardworking legs and with hearts that grew in love, respect and admiration for how much both people have accomplished in just a few years.

I am hoping this will continue for us as we begin another chapter because there is nothing quite like being lovers.

Catching vomit

I am the finch setting off the revolution, instead of catching fire somedays I might just be catching vomit.. right in the palms of my hands and yes, my cleavage. It's fundamental to my sanity to keep a good sense of humor about life as a stay at home mom. Because stuff happens, and it doesn't. I read a genius post about a husband coming home and asking his wife "How was your day?" and her just being reminded once again that there is no short answer that accurately and fairly recounts her day. It was everything and nothing.

Someday you might catch vomit, others you just pretended to be a dragon for so long you began to feel some connections to those fire spitting creatures, and you are sad to realize that they never existed (crushing I know!). Mostly everyday is what my son and I experience together in this world and I know we only have less then 4 more months of just him and I fooling around all day before this stage in life changes, yet again.

I am beginning to feel incredibly sentimental about the NOW and I can't help but wonder about the nature and manifestation of all those sour feelings about having and choosing to stay home for a few years.
To my baby-crazy husband I would always say "if you are willing to be the main care giver we can have a baby now, otherwise come back in a few decades, I am busy building my life!".
I believed that, and I did until not very long ago. I was on a trajectory that to a no doubt successful academic career. I over-committed to working and volunteering for my community for fun. Although I respected SAHMs I was also puzzled about what they do all day? I could never do that.. I knew.

Staying home for the first year was easy and it was hard. It was easy because I had time to travel with our family, go to baby-mama yoga, sleep when he slept, meet other moms at the park and find a truly enriching (though at times too enriching) community. I could, and can just slow things down or speed them up to suit our mood. I have no lunch to pack and kid to get ready for day care, I have no guilt whether my son is seeing enough of his mamma, I have all this priviledges that I know lots and lots of parents long for.
But it was also hard... because I grieved over the person that I once was. I cried every once and again when I would read "Lean In" for my book club or when I came across some really motivated working moms who had a job they loved and wonderful kids by their side. I grieved for the "I can do it all" person that I was up to this point. I grieved for the intellectually challenging and stimulating and diaper-milk-vomit-free world my husband was living in every day form 6-7.

And... when I was done grieving, when I came to accept and more importantly enjoy my new self... well then, I wanted another baby! I am hoping this is NOT a pattern I am on to.

With the new baby on the way came a new realization.. that this, all of this: the joy and the grief is SO transitory, that everything changes so fast and, one of my favorite quotes, "the days might be long but the years are short".  Until I started living in the now and realizing the incredible experience I was having an I was about to lose to an ever changing life again... Until then I did not see catching vomit as an heroic gesture. But now, now I do.

So far, so good

I left home (Italy) when I was 18, traveled, settled, re-traveled, re-settled (Portland, OR). I always thought that that was all fun and games but once I was going to become a mother I would have really longed for being home. And thankfully, now that I have a little family of my own.... I AM home. But not the way I had imagine it to be.

This is an uncomfortable and mildly offensive topic. How do you reconcile with telling your very loving family, culture and country of birth that you are better off away from them? I have often opened up about this issue to people in my country and I almost always get an ouch! effect. Then I go on explaining the whys and hows... still ouch! But to me and to MY family it makes perfect sense and it doesn't even hurt. Maybe sometimes, but not as much as it gives us pleasure.

The pleasure I derive from growing my kids away from my home of origin can be simplify in one word: creativity! My husband and I can be creative about parenting, to the extend to which it becomes an item of contention every time we step foot off the international airport bound to take us back to my hometown. Here we can parent away from the reaction our creativity undoubtedly elicits when then and there.

Italy is no US, there family is in-your-face about how they feel about your choices and how you ought to do things differently... and catholic guilt runs the show. At least in my family. To be clear, my in-laws i the US never once dared telling us what to do. Well maybe a handful of times but always with a aura of respect for us and mostly we had asked them for suggestions.

When your folks tell you what is best for your child, how do you feel? compliant? defiant?  However good I feel about my motherly skills and my parenting style, in the back of my mind I start to feel insecure, am I doing it right? are our intuitions as new parents stronger and healthier then the advice my own mother and grandmother are giving me? In the end they had done this before!

No, they hadn't done THIS!

Because THIS is home. No "no-because-I-said-so" and no raising my hands on my son's face and no discipline made of punishments and rewards. THIS can best bloom on a new terrain, the soil certainly made and contaminated by previous inhabitants but transplanted on a new territory. Informed and not bound by its original state and turned over every season for air and nutrients.

I am sure my parents felt this to. And they structured their family to be better and stronger then the one they came from. They added creativity and novelty and trusted their own intuition before that of their ancestors. But I am also aware that with your family "checking on you" and sitting your kids and sending you to their doctor, etc. there is a lot less room for creativity, and I am glad I don't have to compromise that.

The sit back is HUGE.. my son is not growing up around his maternal grandparents uncles auntie and cousin. But again, neither am I and I am hoping that so far will be so good for as long as we stay home. Making the BEST out of it. In the end there is no other place I'd rather be.