Parenting in public... I am glad I can just do it in Italian so people can go on and assume I am "managing" my child and I am telling him to "knock it off" if that pleases them. Meanwhile I am determined to not go there, not now that he is a little explorer not ever if we are building the relationship we want to have with one another.
I have started keeping my own actions and reactions in check. At lunch my little guy, 20 month old, is not sitting still, has interest in food but them wants to get off the high chair and check out the rest of the restaurant. I let him. I end up doing a combination of watching him from a safe distance and following him around, (and yes, guiding him out of the kitchen). He is happy. I am working harder then if I were just to sit and have my sandwich but this way I am happier too. Because instead of asserting control I am letting go of it where it's not needed.
Now lots of people would say that I am letting my child run the show, so what? isn't he anyway? and worse, that this sets a precedent for unacceptable behavior... I couldn't disagree more! There will be times in which sitting down will be required and it will be frustrating for both of us, but letting him run around now only sets the precedent for trust. Trust that your parent is listening to your concerns and is willing to be flexible and work with you.
So here is a list of mis-conceptions I gathered from the way I was parented and witness others being parented:
1. "Say you are SORRY!/ PLEASE/ THANK YOU!" Asking a child to say Sorry and Thank You will not make them feel the sorrow (and want to get closer to the person effected by their behavior) or be thankful. It will just tell them how to quickly get out of the discomfort or get what they need.
2."No!" this is hardly ever as necessary as we think it is. Pause, do you really need to say no? What happen if you say yes? How many NOs we give for our convenience and or fear? How many do we give to truly protect the child? Meanwhile we are eroding the fun and trust between us.
3. Parents cannot be friends with their children. My mother actually set me down and said this to me when I was a kid. I agree, we are not just friends to them, but what the child is hearing is that we cannot be fun and mindless and silly, ever.
4. Eat everything on your plate. my gawd... kids know how much is too much if we only listened to them.
5. "You can't!"- chances are.. technically they can! now, should they? or are there better ways to accomplish the same goal?... that is more of the question.
6. "We don't do this/that!"- who is WE? and have I, the parent, ever done that? (be jealous, made a mess, refuse to eat, scream, be board, etc?) chances are WE have done this/that or may be doing it as we speak (ever heard a parent raise their voice and say "We don't yell!", ironic, uh?)
7. "I am so proud of you when you/for ....."- how about I am so proud of YOU. period. sometimes that is ALL a child needs to hear and it will motivate them beyond measure, because we just deleted the line that defines their success, temporary or not.
8. "This hurts me more then it hurts you"- we don't know that! to project our feelings is to dis-empower them and to trap them into our own emotional spiral.
9. "I am saying this because I love you"- mostly related to when a parent is realizing how unfair something might seem to a child. Connecting love to a behavior or an outcome is never a good choice. Try just "I love you".
10. "Knock it off!" (or in my dialect "Abbozzala")- knock off saying knock it off! Would you ever talk this way to any adult who is persisting in something you may find annoying? Chances are you would find a more diplomatic way of explaining how a certain action made you feel and find a solution together or by your self.
All of this takes time! I have intentionally slowed down most of our activities. Strolling to Yoga class usually takes us 20min? Well we now leave 40 minutes earlier, because when he is tired of sitting in the stroller now we have the time to do something different and stretch our legs. Getting in the car seat is sometimes a drama? Well now we leave plenty of room for negotiating what we can do before getting in the car seat, might just be as simple as playing with a toy for 5 more minutes.
And what when we don't have this luxury of time? Well, after having tried this for several days I realized that our relationship has gotten stronger and happier and that in times when we need to "speed things up a bit" my son follows along with more partnership. Our trust level for one another has gone way up. And I am loving every second of it, finding that in times of struggle we are both more resourceful!
Easy for me to say.. for once I am home with my son 24/7 AND so far I only have one child. But again, isn't it more important to try to always hold ourselves accountable and aspire to highest goals? So again, when it's no longer "easy" for me I know I have a bag of tools, and my child does to.
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