continue as lovers

At the end of my OB visits I always receive a spreadsheet with Dos and Don'ts about my stage in pregnancy. This may include suggestions on how to handle nausea or what to avoid eating, etc. This time it included a word of wisdom "Continue as Lovers". This, you might have guessed, is a reassurance that sex is OK during pregnancy. I love things like this on otherwise dry medical paperwork. It spikes things up a little!

Continue as lovers.. there is so much in this sentence.

I believe my husband and I are great at parenting together. We are totally on board with most of what we do with our son Tristan, we respect each others style and trust that we are doing the best we can while still guiding one another through the bumps of child rearing. Most of the times, that is.

When  Tristan was born we had to learn quickly that forgiving each other was a to-go-to tool when we acted or better re-acted in ways less then desirable. The exhaustion, the responsibility overload  and the new division of labor just made us miserable people sometimes. We had to forgive the off-handed comments, the envy that we felt for each others day routine (I envied him leaving the house while my son and I were both crying tired and messy, he envied me for being at home with our newborn catching every single minute of his amazing self). We also had to forgive each other for wanting or refusing to want intimacy. But ultimately we had to continue as lovers.

A child is born and your whole identity changes. You are no longer your mother's daughter, you are a daughter who is a mother herself. You can now dispute her authority, do things the way you feel they should be done (stuff for another post, I am sure!). You are also no longer just partners,... you are parents. There is no preparing for this, there is no warming up to it... it just IS.
In the beginning intimacy looks more like cuddling on the big bed with your 2 week old fascinated by his own fingers and having a night out becomes a breastfeeding interval race out the door. I remember our first dinner out. As I set down at the retaurant I scanned the room for babies wanting to see someone I could relate to. I also remember feeling ignored when the waiter, how dare, asked me if I wanted to order instead of asking to see a picture of our little guy. Going to the movies became the best "night-out" because it meant NO talking about our precious child! Unless of course the movie had a baby, a parent, a grandparent, a pregnant person or animal in it.. then you just gently squeeze your partner's hand knowing that he is thinking what you are thinking.

Continue as lovers.

As the months go by you simultaneously become more of a parent and less of just-a-parent. You regain partnership again! This feels good!  Maybe you went back to work, maybe you simply got better at being home (AND your child is sleeping through the night), but hopefully you got better at being individuals in your new role. Maybe you also got passed the bumps together and can now enjoy (in between new bumps, of course) being lovers, not as you used to- forget those young crazy kids- but as you are now, with a breast half full, with stretchmarks, with capable loving arms and hardworking legs and with hearts that grew in love, respect and admiration for how much both people have accomplished in just a few years.

I am hoping this will continue for us as we begin another chapter because there is nothing quite like being lovers.